Lead Kindly Light

I

Another week has passed.  It has been a hard week.  I did see my Doctor on Monday.  He adjusted the dose of the diuretics that are supposed to be helping the swelling and started me on Hepatitis A and Hepatitis B vaccines.  With a compromised liver I can’t take any chances especially since I travel to Mexico regularly.  But there was no additional information.  He also made some unexpected comments about the possibility of an Autoimmune disease which could mean that it may be a while before there was a clear diagnosis, prognosis and treatment.

We were hoping to get the results of the Hereditary Hemochromatosis test this week and that it would give some definition to the situation.  Until the Doctor’s comments on Monday I thought this was the suspected cause.  The test did come in late Friday and while the office was closed I was able to get a copy of the results.  It showed that I did not have the necessary chromosomes that are indicative of this disease.  The notes from the interpreting doctor were careful to point out that this did not rule out Hemochromatosis just the hereditary form.  That at least should be a relief to my children and siblings.  I don’t know what is next.

The week has been filed with many ups and downs the fatigue has worn on me steadily all week.  What is strange is that I have had this overwhelming fatigue for some time but just assumed that it was because I was working too much.  Now that it has a source it somehow seems more oppressive.  Julie (my wife) cried when we had a thunderstorm.  Thunderstorms are something we have both always enjoyed.  On many occasions we have sat and watched in awe at that demonstration of the beauty of God’s creation.  She seems to cry at everything that has a special meaning or connection with our life together.  She is so afraid of the prospect of losing me.  The waiting is taking a real toll on her which makes me feel horrible.

At this point I don’t think I have come to terms with my emotions.  I think I am still in a phase where this is a problem to be solved and as such I can’t allow myself to be distracted by emotion.  There will be a time for that when the diagnosis is clear and a prognosis defined.  I am strangely detached from my emotions, almost like being in a bubble and seeing things happen around you but not really being able to interact with them.  Life has taken on a strange surreal and ethereal feel.

In pondering the anxiety of waiting I and realizing that the true test of waiting is patience.  Patience is not something that has ever been one of my strengths.  I wonder if the Lord is using this trial to both humble me and help me to learn patience.

I am reminded of the story of John Henry Newman a young priest who fell ill while traveling in Italy.  When found crying by a nurse he expressed his impatience at being trapped in Palermo because he felt that God had a work for him to do in England.  Shortly thereafter he set sail for Marseilles in a small boat.   A thick fog left the small vessel trapped for a week in the Straits of Bonifacio surrounded by perilous cliffs and unable to travel either forward or back.  Newman prayed for the Savior’s help in prose he penned in this hour of despair and is now widely known as the hymn Lead Kindly Light.

Lead, kindly Light, amid th’encircling gloom;
Lead thou me on!
The night is dark, and I am far from home;
Lead thou me on!
Keep thou my feet; I do not ask to see
The distant scene—one step enough for me.

I was not ever thus, nor pray’d that thou
Shouldst lead me on.
I loved to choose and see my path; but now,
Lead thou me on!
I loved the garish day, and, spite of fears,
Pride ruled my will. Remember not past years.

So long thy pow’r hath blest me, sure it still
Will lead me on
O’er moor and fen, o’er crag and torrent, till
The night is gone.
And with the morn those angel faces smile,
Which I have loved long since, and lost awhile!

This hymn clearly speaks of the need by those, such as I, that wrestle with the darkness of the trials and tribulations.  We cannot lean on own strength and understanding.  We must trust in Christ to “keep our feet” and lead us back to the light.  Perhaps that is the point of this trial to teach me patience and humble me to trust in His guidance and acknowledge the bounty of blessing that he has and does bestow upon me each day.  I know that as I sing or hear this hymn in the future it will cause to me to ponder my faith and trust in the Savior and my gratitude for all the he has given me.

Clearly I have more lessons to learn as I continue to wait… patiently.