Silent Darkness

I

And in the darkness all I see are the shadows of the shadows¹

Since the cirrhosis diagnosis I have felt this kind of total and utter loneliness on many occasions.  This is not a physical loneliness but and inner one.  A feeling of loss, abandonment, darkness and despair.  We are all at times afraid of the shadows but what of when the shadows have shadows.  It seems that we move forward to where there should be an answer, a light but only find that with that answer comes more and deeper questions.

The waiting the not knowing are terrible burdens.  Just as darkness swallows the light this burden at times seem to swallow my hope and leave me in this place of silent darkness.

And yet it feels so bright and time stands still
Today becomes tomorrow as morning breaks the night
And turns a world of heart felt sorrow into joy
And darkness into light¹

I have been blessed with assurances that I will overcome this disease.  In my heart I know that these things will happen and my health will be restored.  I feel the brightness and comfort of those assurances.  I know that morning will break and my sorrows will become joys.  But I am struggling to see that first glimmer of the dawn, something to tell me that the morning is out there on the distant horizon.  Something to help me through this darkness.

So as I look at the world passing 38,000 feet below what I see is not the breaking of the dawn but the coming of the night.  The last rays of the day are fading along the western horizon.  A horizon that if far removed because of my current perspective from this altitude. 

This is the first week long business trip I have taken since the diagnosis and hospitalization.  I am filled with trepidation.  Things have not been going well.  Symptoms are worsening each day.  I am already exhausted and have been suffering from these incessant cramps all day, worse than I have had in months. 

Right now it all seems so oppressive.  We will be landing soon and I know that I will be greeted by another sleepless night.  But this time not just emotionally alone but physically as well.  How I need to find that comfort that I know is there to carry be through until the dawn.
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¹ Heaven’s Gift (Silence) by InsideOut A Cappella