Looking Forward, a New Year

As we begin a new year one can’t help but look back at what has passed and ponder what lies ahead.  The end of the last year was particularly hard, I spent more time in the hospital between Thanksgiving and New Years than I have in any other similar length of time.  A total of three hospitalizations, two coma’s and a Christmas I can’t remember.   It would seem that the new year could only be an improvement.

As I do look forward and contemplate the new year I am struck by several stark realities. My health will only continue to decline until I receive a transplant. My gallbladder has already failed and I live with pain from that and my liver on a daily basis.  My MELD score seems hopelessly stuck in the low twenty’s so the likelihood of a transplant anytime soon is slim.  Nonetheless my faith in the Savior and the priesthood blessings I have received give me hope and strength that I can endure the trials and challenges that yet lie ahead.

From what my doctors have told me it will probably be near the end of this year and maybe into next before I am likely to receive a transplant.  Given the last month I wonder if I will make it that long.  I have survived two hepatic comas (for which the survival rates are low). I am have the constant pain and issues with dropping blood and albumen levels.  This forces me to wonder about my chances for survival.  I have been the odds several times so far but but each cloud on the horizon seems a bit darker than the last and I know that at some point I won’t be so lucky.  The question is when will time and my luck run out.

So as I look forward to 2011, it is my prayer that I will have the strength to face and endure the trials and challenges that lie ahead.  That Julie will feel not just the peace of knowing that I am okay but the strength to endure the challenges that she faces as my caregiver.

My resolution for 2011 is simple to be alive on new years 2012.  To have the physical strength to remain eligible for a transplant and have the strength to recover quickly and return to life and supporting my family as soon as possible.